| though there's no such thing as a reset button on life, today i'm gonna press mine. starting over! |
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| three images: "a man's face, desperate, flashes of dad" "helpless, the ultimate healer" "나와! (come out!)" |
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| i'm starting to hate the word 'potential'.
instead of motivating me to push through self-imposed limits, the idea gives me an inflated picture of myself and actually keeps me stagnant. i view myself as a collection of different skills mixed around with weakness and some unwanted, impure things. the positives build up to a person i figure i could be, someone i'm not yet-- but should if i tried harder, stopped procrastinating, truly lived.
i'm thankful for the incredibly rich experiences i've already had in my short years. how could i forget the wash of music, the bittersweet prayers of confession and renewal, the silliness and unrestrained joy of time with friends, jamming and sports and talks and all? it all feels so distant now. though we all say that we have to move on, to mature, i wonder if the direction i'm headed is the right one, a better one. the taste of such intense life keeps me unsatisfied with the present. memories sustain the now-intimidating 'potential' my mind has created.
i'm in a deep rut right now. i've tried pulling myself out by comparing the person i am to the person i expect to be, but it's only made me bitter at the world and disappointed in myself. ed, you're not all that. despite all the blessings and gifts God has given you, your potential isn't some grand person at all. and those you look down on, perhaps they have much greater gifts than you'll ever have: discipline, diligence, perseverance. since high school, all i've been doing is relying on the raw, never seasoning myself with consistent hard work and practice. excuses and complaints of being burnt out have securely strangled any sincere attempts to work. is it any wonder that you're in the place you're in?
i wish i could turn the clock back, for i still can't stop clutching to the self i thought i could be. maybe if i had done this, stopped that, tried this... swirling and swirling as life goes on and people move forward.
mark 10:43-45
Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.
colossians 3:9-10
Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.
matthew 25:21
His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!' |
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| nighttime reveals another side of the city, and for richmond, it's a copper vignette untouched by the sanitized suburbia i grew up in. the phosphorescent fuzzed bulbs of yesterday soften the streets. the alleyways and backroads give way to a line of glowing arcs, as though in some hypnotic vision beckoning me to keep driving through the night. in some ways it's nicer to see the roads speckled with a few cars finding their ways back home than the seemingly endless sitting/standing the residents do during the daytime-- along bus routes, in front of shops dulled by the passing of time. even if it's just one street through downtown, i'm starting to feel out the place i'm compelled to call my home. different, but home. |
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