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i stopped journaling after i came back from mexico.  it was in chiapas where i made my first efforts to daily put my thoughts on paper.  in the beginning i tried to inflate meaning into the trivial, but eventually my entries became lists.  i stopped spinning events into literary critique and mechanically wrote as things were, ordinary.  i've had this weblog for years now, but our relationship has always been on and off.  when i do return and scan through the older posts, i always find myself ashamed at the flowery language, the overly sentimental metaphors.  no doubt i was moved by some fantastic emotion, but its imprint must have faded as many memories do.

thinking back on the moleskin i took with me, life isn't a series of grand events.  most of my time is spent on the unimportant but necessary activities that might not be worth mentioning, but are real nonetheless.  i tend to lean towards teasing out meaning (imaginary or not) from the smallest things - it served me well in english classes.  it takes something dramatic for me to step back to reflect, to really see the big picture.  i stopped writing in that journal before the plane touched down in houston, our first layover.  denial, i guess.

here i have much more time than i expected.  in charlottesville i used to fill my nights with idle conversation, or take an impulsive trip to a grocery or restaurant.  but now everything is much more serious... at least i'm trying to act grown up when i'm really not.  of course, i could study more; there is no end or argument to that.  usually i'm playing guitar, watching ferguson ramble on youtube, checking facebook or random scores on espn.  it's aimless, most nights.

things will change soon, especially the amount of time i have.  but right now i'm looking for something striking that will help me say, today was a day worth writing about.  shouldn't our lives be like that?  shouldn't we be able to recall a moment each day that captured us, brief as it may be?

i started a book ben and deborah gave me called "the gift of pain" by philip yancey and paul brand.  it was a last-ditch attempt to find poignancy:

"Ironically, while most of us seek out pharmacists and doctors in search of relief from pain, these people live in constant peril due to pain's absence" (page 6).

i'm going to start reading a little more now.  maybe i'll have occasion to write more as well.

it feels just like college tonight, except it doesn't. 

i guess what i mean to say is that i want it to, sitting in front of the computer the night before my first medical school tests ever -- biochem and population medicine.  it's odd how all the unimportant things take on such significance in moments of panic: blogs become so interesting, the desire to cook extravagant meals suddenly flares out, inexplicable cravings to organize my desk.  but maybe that's what this med school thing is all about... maintaining perspective and not neglecting the little things.

maybe not.

in any case, i've started to study a bit more like the way i did in high school (a good thing).  i see glimpses of a routine that i can stick to, though every fiber i created at uva resists this urgent need to keep up with material.  boy, i really didn't work the way i should have in college.

but going back to what i briefly mentioned earlier, two days of studying (before the test holler) are enough to make me forget about why i'm doing this at all.  vision?  future?  eh?  on tuesday morning i stood, as always, with a bowl of cereal in hand when all of a sudden a terrible dread washed over me:  is this what awaits me the rest of my life... groggy and unprepared, not having enough time to sit down to eat breakfast?  you laugh, because you know that it will only get worse.  i cry, because i know it will too.

blogs are nice because it affords me a vicarious life through a few words and pictures.  ah, we who have gone to missions are so blessed.

the smiling faces and beautiful images were a stark contrast to the tunnel i feel i'm entering.  it explains why i'm here typing when i should be reading the night away.  hello, my name is ed and i'm a slacker.  an intervention!  i am drawn to live like a college student again, here when the stakes are so much higher.  but the whole attitude/perspective issue really boils down to one thing: there is no difference between slacking off and having no life apart from studying.  all in all, it's a life defined by school.  they are both responses dictated by something other than the real reason i pursued medicine.

i've been thinking about my purpose here in school, apart from being a good steward of the academic opportunity He's given.  i know i can handle the studying (....it's been only 2 weeks, i know....), but what else does He have in store?  some hints thus far:

- english ministry at Lord Jesus Korean Church... the connections i have to this church are incredibly unexpected and numerous -- coincidence?  i think not.

- continued volunteering/work with kids... visiting kids with cancer?

- free clinic, except with more medical skills. sigh.

- music....................? i bought a guitar and am thinking about bringing my cello down here too.

- reaching out and growing with other believers.  i don't know why i didn't expect to see christians here but they exist.  wow!

- learning. a lot. about life.

yeah, i had another bullet about girls but i'm a big boy now so no more sissy stuff.  time to go study.

places

a strangely fitting way of spending my last waning moments with the should-have, wish-i-had people in my life

a una vez el lugar de mis suenos, pronto el lugar adonde yo sonare

rushed introduction to the city i'll live in for the next several

allow me a quiet escape like the one you gave six years past

revelame tu mismo con la misma intensidad de mis visiones de ti

show me peace for the present and fear for the future

thank you charlottesville

hola mexico

see you soon richmond