it feels just like college tonight, except it doesn't. i guess what i mean to say is that i want it to, sitting in front of the computer the night before my first medical school tests ever -- biochem and population medicine. it's odd how all the unimportant things take on such significance in moments of panic: blogs become so interesting, the desire to cook extravagant meals suddenly flares out, inexplicable cravings to organize my desk. but maybe that's what this med school thing is all about... maintaining perspective and not neglecting the little things. maybe not. in any case, i've started to study a bit more like the way i did in high school (a good thing). i see glimpses of a routine that i can stick to, though every fiber i created at uva resists this urgent need to keep up with material. boy, i really didn't work the way i should have in college. but going back to what i briefly mentioned earlier, two days of studying (before the test holler) are enough to make me forget about why i'm doing this at all. vision? future? eh? on tuesday morning i stood, as always, with a bowl of cereal in hand when all of a sudden a terrible dread washed over me: is this what awaits me the rest of my life... groggy and unprepared, not having enough time to sit down to eat breakfast? you laugh, because you know that it will only get worse. i cry, because i know it will too. blogs are nice because it affords me a vicarious life through a few words and pictures. ah, we who have gone to missions are so blessed. the smiling faces and beautiful images were a stark contrast to the tunnel i feel i'm entering. it explains why i'm here typing when i should be reading the night away. hello, my name is ed and i'm a slacker. an intervention! i am drawn to live like a college student again, here when the stakes are so much higher. but the whole attitude/perspective issue really boils down to one thing: there is no difference between slacking off and having no life apart from studying. all in all, it's a life defined by school. they are both responses dictated by something other than the real reason i pursued medicine. i've been thinking about my purpose here in school, apart from being a good steward of the academic opportunity He's given. i know i can handle the studying (....it's been only 2 weeks, i know....), but what else does He have in store? some hints thus far: - english ministry at Lord Jesus Korean Church... the connections i have to this church are incredibly unexpected and numerous -- coincidence? i think not. - continued volunteering/work with kids... visiting kids with cancer? - free clinic, except with more medical skills. sigh. - music....................? i bought a guitar and am thinking about bringing my cello down here too. - reaching out and growing with other believers. i don't know why i didn't expect to see christians here but they exist. wow! - learning. a lot. about life. yeah, i had another bullet about girls but i'm a big boy now so no more sissy stuff. time to go study. |